why we waited

People wonder why we waited until marriage to have sex, and people are even more amazed that we saved our first kiss for the wedding. Why? Why would we do this? Wasn't it hard to resist the urge to just give in and make love? Of course it was hard. We wanted to kiss each other all the time and could hardly wait for everything else, but there are several reasons why we waited until the rings were on our fingers. Some say it was for religious reasons, but that makes it sound like we were just following some rule, when in reality it's much more about how we relate to God and how He wants us to relate to each other. God is relational, and He designed us to relate to Him and to each other in specific ways.

First of all, God is pure, and He expects us to be pure. God is light, and there is no darkness in Him. God is truth and He never lies. He is 100% holy, just, true, and many other things. He is not 99% light and 1% darkness, He is pure light. What does that have to do with marriage? Everything. If I love my wife 99% of the time and I occasionally kiss another girl 1% of the time, how do you think my wife would feel. She would consider me unfaithful. My love would not be pure, 100%. When we made our wedding vows they were for each other and no one else. So what would it have been like if I had had 10 other girlfriends that I slept with before I married my wife? She would have likely forgiven me and we would have moved on, but she would always feel like maybe I was not 100% committed to her. How could she know that I wouldn't leave her like I left all my girlfriends? I could reassure her, but there would never be a purity to our marriage. There could be forgiveness, but not complete assurance.

Purity is closely tied to faithfulness, being true to what you say and commit to. If God says that He is never going to leave me or forsake me, I know that He never will because He is perfectly, 100% faithful. If God is totally faithful, then He is pure in His love toward me, for His love will never fail or grow cold.

Second, we wanted a relationship that was based on true love (the kind that puts the other first) and friendship, not on physical desires and selfish lust. We knew each other for about 2 years before we got married, and we never kissed on the lips or got into bed together. We built a friendship that turned into a committed relationship that was based on sharing life together and doing normal things together. Because of this we knew that we had a strong connection and enjoyed being together even if there was no sex in the relationship.

Third, we wanted our marriage to mean something and to be different than being single. When I was still single I knew someone who got married to a girl he had been living with and sleeping with, and I asked him how marriage was. His response was, "Pretty much the same." It gave me a sinking feeling, like that was the saddest thing I had heard in a while, even though he didn't mean it that way. I've been looking forward to finding someone to love and marry for years, and the idea that marriage would be just a formality, like it's just a piece of paper, was never what I had in mind. I had a completely different life before getting married. I lived in an apartment with two other guys, and we would hang out, play video games, have friends over and watch movies, etc. It was a great time in my life and I enjoyed spending time with friends, but I went to bed alone and the place didn't feel like home. Once I got married my life changed. My wife is almost always there when I'm home, we have dinner together, we do things together, we share a bedroom and sleep in the same bed, yet we still give each other time to do our own thing; she enjoys reading and doing art, I enjoy music, photography and various things on my computer.

We can look at our life together while we were dating and engaged, and it was a totally different time in our lives. All of our experiences in marriage are unique to marriage and that makes them special. Sex is more special because it's one of the many new experiences that resides completely within the commitment of our marriage. Because we waited and saved kissing and sex for when we were married it makes those things pure and special. We don't feel guilty or shameful, like we're doing something we probably shouldn't, hoping we don't get caught. Everyone joined us in celebrating our wedding and our vows, and we know that in marriage we are committed to each other and that our love is for each other and no one else.

If you are interested in the idea of waiting for marriage there is a wonderful Facebook page that you should like. We didn't make it, but it has some good stuff and the people are very encouraging.

Abstinence Until Marriage